I have noticed
That when I eat sugar
Mindlessly, secretively
It is to hide.
It is not that I'm hiding the consumption (though I am)
I am hiding from the discomfort
I am hiding from the pain.
I am hiding from the breakthrough
When I reach for chocolate (low quality!) without anyone knowing
I can be certain I'm on the shores of awakening
To a new level of vulnerability, joy, possibility.
When part of me races to the cupboard
I can be sure that something within me is racing
That something has been stirred
That something in me has urgency.
So what do I do?
It doesn't matter if it is sugar, alcohol, or compulsive thoughts that have become old friends.
What matters is awakening.
Eat the sugar or not.
Be underwater or not.
That is okay.
The awakening will be waiting for you.
If you choose to experiment
To walk on that knife edge,
To step to that space where groundlessness meets spaciousness
Something new will be discovered.
About yourself,
About another,
About humankind,
About the earth.
I don't know.
It might be scary.
It might be hard to see and learn.
So you might blind yourself with a sugar coma.
Okay, no problem.
The awakening will wait.
Just don't make her wait too long.
Don't let your hole (whole) life pass by without being willing to walk this edge
This place that scares you
This place that you thought was bleakness
Is a darkness that has been holding you the whole time.
Some have called it a vacuum.
But that is because they do not know the mystery
Of what is not yet understood
Of what appears empty.
This is spaciousness.
Love, it is okay.
Stand on a stool and eat gross chocolate
While hiding from your kids.
As long as you'd like.
Or don't.
And come here.
And feel
Everything
Let the waves crash over you
Let tears fall
See the vulnerability of it all
And notice that you are not destroyed.
In fact you are just beginning.